


The Hype

by Boosher555



Category: Arctic Monkeys, Last Shadow Puppets
Genre: 7 years later, AM without Alex, Adulthood, Dark fic, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Death, Drowning, Fame, Grieving Matt, Grieving Miles, Humbug Hair, M/M, Murder, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Obsession, Parenthood, Psychopath killer, Rape/Non-con Elements, Set in 2009, Stalker, Stalking, TLSP without Alex, Unhealthy admiration, Violence, What Could Have Been, humbug era, legacy, remembering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-24 02:49:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9696383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boosher555/pseuds/Boosher555
Summary: Alex's friends don't notice it when he begins to act weird after only a few drinks. When a stranger offers to take Alex home, Miles and Matt fail to read the warnings.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Contains descriptions of Rape/Non-con elements, violence and murder.

He doesn’t notice the older bartender staring at him all night. He forgets to ask his friends to watch his drink while he disappears to the bathroom for five minutes. When he returns, he fails to notice the fact that his drink has turned just a slightly darker shade than the others; they all ordered matching drinks that night – he bought the first round, Jamie the second, Nick the third, Zack the fourth, Matt this one. 

Now his friends are raising their drinks in the air, so he follows up on that. Laughter, cheering – they are all gathered to celebrate Miles’ birthday. That and the release of Humbug – a fresh, new treasure that was going to take them in a new direction, different from anything they’d done in the past. 

The night is really not supposed to be about him. It’s about all of them, though Miles in particular. 

He never wanted it to be about him.

“Alex, you fookin’ lightweight!” Matt laughs from across the bar, and he doesn’t even notice that he’s stumbling until Miles snakes his arm around his middle and catches him mid-air.

“Whoa there,” Miles chuckles as he holds on to him, “where do you think you’re going, my fine friend? Are you passing out on us so soon?”

Nick laughs, too. “Bloody hell, man, this is only our fifth round.”

When he’s finally steadied, Alex grins and sways dangerously. “M’not passing out, guys,” he slurs unconvincingly, “I n-never pass out, do I?”

But as soon as Miles lets go of him, the room dances before his eyes and he is forced to cling onto the wooden surface at the bar to prevent himself from falling again. He tries to be subtle about it, though it feels like he’s clinging on for life. There’s no doubt in his mind that his friends are all still watching him in disbelief. 

What the hell is happening to him? Is he having a stroke? 

The talk continues for a bit as the others decide not to make fun of him any longer. But then, only a moment later, Matt lays eyes on his friend once again. Alex’s legs are shaking, his eyes completely unfocused. He’s broken a sweat, it seems, though he’s deadly pale. He looks downright awful, though he appeared to be perfectly fine when they arrived at the club.

“Alright, that’s it, mate,” Matt pauses the conversation as he walks towards Alex, “are you sure you’re okay? I mean, do you need to lie down or summat?” 

Everything pauses as everyone’s eyes fall on Alex once again. His friends fall silent when they see what Matt is referring to. 

“I – I dunno,” he speaks in a slow, drowsy voice, “I think I might need some air, if that’s alright…” 

Alex attempts to let go of the wooden desk, but as he does, he falls to his knees immediately. He thinks that he hears a gasp or two somewhere in front of him, but he’s too dizzy and woozy to register what’s going on. 

“Whoops,” he laughs at himself, but it’s a nervous laughter, “maybe I am a lightweight after all…”

Jamie and Nick are definitely laughing too, he recognizes their voices instantly. Even Miles is grinning when he and Matt grab an arm each and pull him back up, carefully. Matt, however, wears a silent and concerned look on his face. 

“Outshining the birthday boy as always, aren’t you, love?” Miles presses a drunken kiss to his hair and ruffles it tauntingly. “Come on, let’s get you out of here.”

He’s got an arm around both their shoulders, Matt and Miles practically doing the walking for him at this point. The room dances before his eyes once again, the music fading and drowning like someone’s pulled a bucket over his head. He closes his eyes as the light feels too sharp and his pupils too sensitive. He suddenly longs to just lie down and sleep. He longs for darkness and silence, too.

“Matt, what’s happening?” He whispers in a raspy voice when they make it outside. They let him rest up against the cold stone wall, though they don’t let go of him just yet. “Where am I?” 

“You don’t know where you are?” Matt asks worriedly before exchanging a look with Miles. “Alex, we’re outside the club. We were having drinks, remember? Just five minutes ago, mate. Do you feel ill all of a sudden?”

“He’s just bloody pissed,” Miles laughs and pats Alex’s shoulder, “off your fucking tits, aren’t you, mate?”

Alex tries for a smile, but then he suddenly bends over, clasping his stomach in pain. Matt holds on to him, while Miles takes a step backwards at the retching noises coming from Alex’s throat. He gags once before emptying his stomach on the ground. He’s still heaving painfully when the bouncer begins to shout at them, telling them to take it somewhere else. 

“Can’t you see he’s ill, you fucking wanker!” Miles shouts back, but Matt shushes him and guides them further down the street. 

The air is cold and raw, but Alex is still sweating uncontrollably. He holds a hand in front of his mouth in embarrassment as he leans against Matt. He’s barely able to keep his eyes open at this point. Matt feels a sudden sting of panic. He realizes that he’s never seen his bandmate like this before.

“Maybe we should drive him to the hospital,” he says to Miles, even though he realizes that they’ve all been drinking, “he doesn’t look good if you ask me.”

“I’m sure he just needs some rest,” Miles replies, although he’s beginning to share Matt’s concern, “I could take him home instead.”

Matt is already dialing for a taxi when Alex coughs and interferes:

“Mi, it’s your fookin’ birthday party, you can’t just leave because of me.”

“Then I’ll take you home.” Matt says, ignoring the woman who’s now answering his call. 

“No, no,” Alex insists, “it’s barely past midnight. I’ll be fine, I just don’t want to ruin the party…”

“You’re not ruining the party, Al.” Miles assures him. “Look, I’m not sure you’ll even be able to tell the taxi driver where you live. You can’t go home on your own.”

“I’ll take him home for you.”

When a man suddenly appears, Matt and Miles look up in surprise. They hadn’t even heard him coming, but Matt slowly recognizes him to be their bartender from earlier.

“Sorry?” Miles cocks an eyebrow and looks at the man disbelievingly. 

“Yeah, I’ll take him home for you,” the bartender repeats, “my shift just ended, I’m headed home anyway. I’ve got my car parked just around the corner. I’ll save ya the taxi fare, Alex. I’ll take you home for free.”

The man smiles as he takes out his car keys from his pocket.

Matt narrows his eyes slightly. He has never seen this man before – this stranger is a big bloke, tall, muscular, perhaps ten years older than them. Where on earth would Alex know him from? 

“Do you know Alex?” Miles asks him, apparently taken aback as well. 

“Of course I do,” the man laughs kindly, “Alex always chats to me at the bar. I enjoy his company, most people don’t exactly bother to take notice of their bartender, do they?” When the others do not respond immediately, he adds: “Alex would do the same for me, I’m sure. He’s a nice fellow.”

Alex is still keeping his eyes closed; he would not have been able to stand at this point had he not been resting against Matt. He has listened to their conversation in confusion, though his thoughts are getting extremely fuzzy. He doesn’t feel like he has recognised the voice of the man who has joined the group, but perhaps he is just too drunk to remember him. 

Either way, if this stranger could spare his friends the trouble of taking him home, he isn’t going to turn his offer down. 

“I-I don’t know,” Matt hardly knows what to say, although he does hang up his phone, “I suppose it might make things easier. But… What do you think, Miles?”

Miles reads Matt’s expression. Tempting as it is, they both feel guilty for leaving their friend with someone they don’t know. But then again, it is only a lift home, isn’t it? 

“Do you know where Alex lives, mate?” Miles asks him in anticipation. His eyes fall on Alex once again. He doesn’t like how pale he is. And how on earth could he have gone limp so quickly? 

“He never told me,” the man admits, “but then again, why would that come up in conversation? If you give me his address, I’m sure I’ll find it, though. And maybe a key to his place, so I can help him inside.”

Matt hesitates, but Miles turns to Alex: “Is that alright, laa? I hate to leave you behind. If you want me to go with…”

“No – no, that’s alright,” Alex drawls, his words getting harder to understand, “I’m alright.”

Clearly, he has little idea what is going on. Still, Matt and Miles decide to let the stranger lead the way. Supporting Alex all the way to his car, they help him get in the backseat. They even fasten the seatbelt for him. The seatbelt is the only thing that keeps him in an upright position at this point. 

“I’m sorry if things got out of hand, pal,” Miles says to Alex as he leans in the car to say goodnight, “feel better soon, alright?” He kisses his friend on top of the head again. “Take good care of him, will ya?” He speaks to the man who was now behind the wheel.

“Of course.” The man smiles. 

Matt bites his lip as he takes one last look at Alex. He still isn’t sure about this, but it seems too late to change his mind. Besides, Alex hadn’t wanted them to leave the party just for him.

“I’ll call you in the morning, Al,” Matt pats his shoulder soothingly, “if you’re still not feeling better by then, I’ll come by and take you to the doctor’s. Alright?”

Alex has become completely unresponsive. His head has lolled back, exposing his throat. It is impossible to tell if he has passed out or simply fallen asleep. 

“I’m sure he’ll be alright,” the man tells Matt, “I see this all the time in my job. Sometimes, if people are stressed out over something, it only takes a few drinks to knock them out. It’s nothing to worry about, really.”

They finally shut the car door and allows the man to drive off into the night with their friend. It is only after the car has disappeared around the corner that Miles says:

“I forgot to ask the man his name.” 

Nevertheless, the party continues as he and Matt returns to join the rest of the group.


	2. Chapter 2

Alex couldn’t tell how long he’d been out for. He only opened his eyes again when the car stopped and someone opened the door to help him out. 

“Look at you,” a voice spoke, and Alex’s heart nearly skipped a beat when he realised how unfamiliar it was, “you’re just sitting there, waiting for me, aren’t you, boy?” 

Alex was going to raise his head and look at the person talking to him, but found that he was stuck. His entire body seemed impossibly heavy, his head spinning. He tried once again to turn his head, to lift his hand, but failed at both. His heart race picked up in sudden fear of what was happening to him. Had he actually had a stroke in his sleep? Had it left him paralysed? He tried desperately to open his mouth and communicate his trouble to the man by the door, but the words wouldn’t form, and only a weak groan escaped his lips. 

His groan was received by a small laughter, and as the man slowly moved closer and stuck his head inside the vehicle in order to unmask himself, Alex’s eyes widened in panic.

“You don’t recognize me, do ya, love?” The man’s hands found Alex’s face as he couldn’t even dodge the touch. “Easy, now. I knew you never noticed me like I noticed you. After all, I was just the guy mixing your drinks, wasn’t I? Why would you spare a moment for some bartender when you were surrounded by better people?”

Alex met the stranger’s gaze with the fear evident in his big, doe eyes. The man saw his fear and savoured the sweetness he took from it as he let his fingers caress the cold, pale cheeks. 

“Don’t worry, love, I’ll make sure you get to know me real good,” he whispered as he leaned in once again, lips almost touching Alex’s, “in fact, I don’t think you’ll ever forget who I am after tonight.”

Alex gasped slightly and moaned loudly this time as his seatbelt was unbuckled and the stranger took a hold of his body. He was scooped up into a pair of strong, unfamiliar arms and carried out of the car against his will. His head once again lolled back helplessly, his arms and legs limp and lifeless like the rest of his body as he was carried towards the entrance to his own house, bridal style. 

“I know you’re scared now,” the man leaned in and spoke in his ear, “but that’s because you don’t know what’s happening. You’re not ill, Alex.” The man’s voice reduced itself to a soft whisper. “I’ve drugged you, don’t you understand? You’re perfectly fine. You just won’t be able to put up a fight for a while. That’s a good thing, love.” 

Alex gasped again, his eyes watering slightly at the realization of what was going on. This man had drugged him! And now he was all alone with him. He’d even gained access to his house! He barely even remembered how he had ended up in the stranger’s car. Had he been kidnapped, or had he actually agreed to go with him? 

The man pressed Alex’s unmoving body close to his own as he struggled to get the door open. 

‘They gave him my key’, Alex thought to himself, though his foggy mind did not allow him to truly fathom what this meant. 

Once the man had worked the door, he let them both inside silently, then closed the door behind him. They were alone together, with no one to see or hear what was going on.

“Shhh,” the large man hushed him as Alex’s breathing became hitched with fear. He brushed the hair away from his eyes in order to look at him properly. “Look at me.” Alex couldn’t even disobey his order. “Look at me, Alex. I’m just a man, alright? M’not a monster. Granted, I might not be as sweet and delicate to look at as you, I might not be as handsome. But that doesn’t make me a beast, does it now? Love isn’t for beautiful people only.”

What on earth was he talking about? Alex blinked a few times as he took in the stranger’s angular face, his broad neck and strong jaw. He felt the arms holding on to his body and he could tell that even if he hadn’t been drugged, this man could have easily overpowered him. 

“I know what you’re thinking,” the man spoke as his eyes were still locked with his, “you feel small in my arms, boy. Skinny. Young. You should thank me for drugging you first. You would have hurt yourself if you had decided to fight me. I don’t want to hurt you, do you understand? I want to…” The man sucked in a deep breath, and Alex dreaded what he was about to hear: “I want to love you, alright? I want to show that I care for you. I’m a big fan of yours, you see.” 

Alex began to struggle once again, only, his limbs remained utterly unresponsive. He swallowed thickly with dread as the man was still leaning in to watch him; the bobbing of his Adam’s apple was greatly admired by his captor. 

“Can I just…” The man whispered, completely enchanted by what he saw. Without finishing his sentence, he bowed his head down to press his lips against Alex’s exposed throat. Even though the kiss was soft, it was enough to make Alex hiss as though he was in pain. The stranger let the kiss drag out as he ignored the younger man’s protests. He almost forgot himself when, finally, he withdrew and raised his head to take a look around him. “What a lovely house you’ve bought yourself. I sometimes forget how wealthy you must be, my love. Believe me, though, I am not doing this because I’m out for your money. I’m here for you, and only you.” 

Before Alex knew what was happening, the man dropped his body down on the nearest sofa in the room. Alex gasped again at the sensation of landing on his back without being able to soften the fall. 

“Do you ever get lonely in this house?” He heard the man pondering at he began to walk around the room as though he was searching for something. “Of course you don’t, you are always surrounded by friends and admirers, aren’t you? You’re too young to be lonely.” 

It sounded like the man walked from the living room towards the kitchen. Alex heard the fridge opening and closing before the man returned with the bottle of red wine he’d found. 

“Were you saving this for a special occasion, love?” He muttered as he continued to open it. “Let’s make tonight special then. I need to – I need to drink, you see. I need to gather my courage. Otherwise I’m afraid I’ll get cold feet.”

Alex’s breath hitched again; whatever was about to happen to him, he wasn’t going to like it. And there was nothing he could do to stop this lunatic. 

“Perhaps you could use a little courage as well,” the man babbled and held the bottle over Alex’s mouth, “here you go, I’ll make you feel better, lad.” He pried the younger man’s lips apart with his fingers and began to pour the liquid into his unprepared mouth. Alex wasn’t ready for it, he was barely able to swallow. The red wine sputtered from his mouth as the man kept on pouring without him being able to keep up. Since he wasn’t able to simply turn his head and let the liquid out, he began to cough. The wine went down his windpipe and he was choking until his captor finally removed the bottle and showed mercy on him. Lifting Alex’s body up and into a sitting position, the man allowed him to spit out his unswallowed drink. The wine quickly stained the sofa and painted the carpet red. 

“Look at the mess you’ve made, you prick,” the man’s face changed very suddenly and terribly, and he was now looking at the young man in utter disgust, “such a waste of good wine. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

He slapped Alex’s cheek hard and dropped him back down onto the sofa, forcing his hostage to whimper in pain. Alex was still coughing, and the slap had left his ears ringing. The man ignored his struggles as he picked up the bottle again and drank from it greedily. This went on for several minutes, until he was finally beginning to feel the sweet numbness brought on by the alcohol. Then he turned around to look at Alex who was still lying there, looking sick as a parrot. 

“I’m sorry,” the man broke down with the sudden sense of guilt, “I promised you I wouldn’t hurt you, didn’t I? I’m sorry, kid.” He caressed Alex’s pale cheeks once again with big, rough hands. “But the truth is, I was always going to hurt you somehow, wasn’t I? That’s why I picked a drug that would paralyse your body, but not your mind. I wanted you to be conscious throughout the whole thing. I want you to feel it – I want you to feel everything. My hands touching you…”

His fingers were then everywhere, in Alex’s hair, playing with his bottom lip, tickling his jaw and travelling down to his heaving chest. Alex closed his eyes in panic, but nothing he did could pull him away from the assaulting hands that were on him. 

“Don’t worry, babe, I’m not going to mount you here on the sofa,” the brute mouthed close to his face, “that would be tacky of me, wouldn’t it? Now, where is your bedroom, darling?”


	3. Chapter 3

Alex was watching the ceiling as it danced and blurred before his eyes. The man had left him lying prone on his own bed while he went to the bathroom to take a piss. The door left ajar, Alex could hear the urine as it hit the water. He was still sweating, suffering in a feverish and baffled condition. Not being able to control his own body had become a nightmare for him. His heart was hammering hard in his chest. He wouldn’t be surprised if the drug caused him a heart attack before this was over. 

The toilet was flushed and Alex was rejoined in the room.

“Look at you,” the man was breathing hard by this stage, his voice full of filthy lust, “you look just as beautiful and enticing as I imagined you. Although, I always imagined you to lie in my own bed rather than yours.”

He neared the bed slowly and all Alex could do was close his eyes again in protest. 

“What’s that, darling?” The man knelt down on the bed and looked at him intensely. “Anything you wanna say to me? Oh that’s right, you can’t speak, can you? In that case, I’m definitely not hearing a ‘no’ from you.” He chuckled evilly. “It doesn’t matter, though. I’m gonna make you want it. I’m gonna make you take it.”

He undressed himself slowly without taking his eyes off his prey. When he was completely naked, he began to tug at Alex’s shirt and jeans. Alex attempted to once again groan in objection. Tears were beginning to escape his tightly shut eyes. His entire body was trembling and shivering with the combination of sickness and terror.

‘Please, please, please,’ the word kept repeating in his head, ‘don’t.’ 

As Alex was stripped bare from head to toe, the man licked his lips and took in the beauty of the exposed body underneath him. The boy seemed even skinnier without clothes on; the protruding ribs made him seem almost too fragile to touch, like he was made of glass. The man didn’t want to break him, surely. But neither did he want to waste his chance of making the boy his. He rested his big hand on Alex’s flat belly, making the boy tremble even worse. 

“You have no idea how beautiful you are…” He drawled as he began to fondle himself passionately. “I’m going to make myself rock-hard for you. You won’t be disappointed.”

Alex whimpered as a small cry stifled in his throat. The tears were spilling freely, he no longer cared. His head was killing him, his sore eyes threatening to fall asleep on him. He could practically feel the drug pumping through his blood, humiliating him, weakening him. 

“Don’t cry, baby, Daddy’s looking out for you.” The man took in a deep breath as he began to climb on top of the smaller boy. He practically gasped at his own excitement as he felt his own skin slide over and cover Alex’s. “Daddy’s gonna heat you up, you poor, freezing mess.”

The man flattened himself out on top of him, and Alex felt a pressure in his chest from the weight that was suddenly pinning him down. 

“Let me kiss that pretty face of yours.”

Oh God no.

A pair of lips was immediately sucking at his face, licking him, tasting him all over. Soon, however, the man began to focus on his lips and let the action turn into actual kisses planted on a closed, unwilling mouth. 

“Look at me,” the man demanded when Alex was still trying to deny the situation by hiding behind closed eye-lids, “I want you to open up to me. Look at me, God damn it!”

When Alex failed to obey, he was punched in the face several times, earning him a split lip and a swelling jaw. The blood began to trail down his chin, and he tasted it. He panted as the pain exploded around his face and it didn’t make it any easier for him to stop crying. 

“See what you did, now you are forcing me to hurt you again. Even if I don’t want to.” The man felt his own hands shaking. Punching someone was a high he’d been addicted to before, and he was beginning to rediscover the pleasure of it. “Please don’t force me to be rough on you, baby. I’m trying my best here. Look at me!”

Alex forced his eyes open. The innocent, doe eyes looking up at him in question was suddenly too much; the man felt swooned by a warm, tingling sensation in his belly. In the heat of the moment, he grabbed the boy’s cheeks with both hands and kissed him roughly. It was obvious that the boy did his best not to fight him this time, yet at the same time, it was also very obvious that he hated every second of it. 

“Why can’t you just love me like I love you?” The man cried in between heated, wet kisses. “I’m not asking much from you, love. I’ll give you everything I own, just let me have this. Let me have you.”

Alex fought to stifle another cry in his throat. His entire body was shaking with the fear of what would come next. 

“I’m sorry, baby, I forgot to bring lube. Forgive me, darling.” The man kissed him once and twice before moving down Alex’s body in order to settle himself in between his unmoving legs.

No, no, no, don’t you dare…

Alex wanted to scream with pain when he was entered hard and swiftly. Since he had been left completely dry down there, the brute of a man was forcing his way in by tearing him open in the most horrible, revolting way. Alex began to bleed immediately, thick blood being the only lube his body could possibly produce in order to relieve his pain. Still unable to move and to resist the maniac’s thrusts, Alex’s body shivered with fresh waves of pain, sweat and tears. He whimpered and sobbed pathetically, forcing out the only begging noises that his throat was able to provide him with. 

“What’s that, love? You want more?”

No!

Alex whined like crazy when the man started to pound him hard and fast, tearing bigger and more delicate parts of Alex open. He was hurting him in the cruelest way and he had no intention of stopping. 

“Why are your eyes closed like that again?” The beast complained after a while and paused to look down at Alex’s begging features. “Did I not tell you to look at me, darling?”

Without a single warning, Alex was hit again: Once at his temple, once in his chest and, terribly, once in his stomach, punching all the air of out him. He gasped instantly and struggled to take in deep breaths of air, but the man was quick to seize his throat in order to deprive him of such privilege. Fingers were squeezed around his throat brutally, and it was only when the tears began to spill and Alex’s face was turning purple that he let go of him.

Coughing and panting helplessly, Alex had very little time to recover before he was fucked again. Pounding him like a heartless monster, the man celebrated having the upper hand as his fingers began to scratch and tear at the younger man’s flesh. He scratched Alex’s flanks and hips until his fingernails drew blood and he followed up on this by pulling his victim’s hair, too. 

“I told you I didn’t want to hurt you, darling, but you left me no choice. Don’t you see, I’m here to take you? And you have to let me!” 

As the act went on, Alex knew that he was forced to take what was coming to him. Since this was very much about dominance, the man continued the rape by leaving Alex with even more scratches and bruises all over his exposed body. Even though Alex was unable to fight him back, he still couldn’t get down from his high and he longed to mark every inch of the helpless body underneath him. 

He longed to carve his name in the boy’s body, even if that meant spilling Alex’s blood for the purpose.


	4. Chapter 4

Back in the club, Miles returned to the bar in order to collect a round of free drinks. (Celebrating your birthday as a famous musician didn’t come without its perks). The girl serving him was smiling sweetly - Miles picked up on it immediately.

“What’s your name, gorgeous?” He asked her lamely, but she didn’t exactly look unimpressed. 

“Janet.” Her eyes were shining as they met his. “What’s yours?”

Miles giggled as though she had just told him a joke. “Seriously? You don’t know my name?” 

He swore he heard O’Malley laughing at him from somewhere.

“Sorry,” the girl’s face fell immediately, “are you with – you know who?” She gestured towards Helders and the rest of the group. “The Arctic Monkeys.” The words were on her lips as though she was savouring something sweet, yet unspeakably sacred. 

Miles snorted. Oh, she knew everyone in the Arctic Monkeys, but not him. “Nah, darling,” he forced a chuckle, “I’m me own, you know. Solo musician, I’ve got no band to hide behind.”

They smiled at each other once again. 

“You’re friends with them, though,” she continued, “the Arctic Monkeys.”

If only she could stop saying ‘Arctic Monkeys’. 

“Yeah, sure,” Miles cleared his throat and looked down at his hands for a moment, “we’re all friends. We all back each other up.”

“So what was your name again?” She asked. 

“Miles Kane.”

“I’m sorry, sir, I’ve never heard of you.”

Sir??

Miles’s smile faltered, though he still tried to play it cool. “No need to apologise, sweetheart, as long as you like what you see.” He winked at her and she laughed. “I should have just told you that I was in the Arctic Monkeys,” he joked, “my fault for being too honest.”

“Aw, don’t say that,” she reached over the bar to touch his hand reassuringly, “I’m sure you’re doing just fine with your solo career, Mr Kane. I do like what I see. It’s just that we’ve got this new bartender here, all he talks about is the Arctic Monkeys. Especially their singer.”

Alex.

“Huh?” Miles withdrew his hand without realizing it. “What did you say? A new bartender? Who?”

“Oh, just this weird bloke,” she rolled her eyes, “no one really talks to him. He’s got all these weird obsessions. He gets furious if people ask him about it, but it just seems unhealthy to me. I don’t think he’s great at socializing.” 

Miles swallowed thickly. He had had quite a few drinks by this point, but he felt fairly certain that his instincts were telling him to investigate this. 

“Janet, honey, what does this bartender look like?” He asked. “Was he at work tonight?”

“Oh yeah, he was,” she grinned, “but his shift ended just before mine started. Thank God. I hate running into him, he’s way too intense for me.”

“What does he look like?” Miles asked again. He was on the cusp of calling Helders over, but he didn’t want to overreact. 

The girl shrugged. “Tall, big. Not very attractive if you ask me. I don’t think he’s ever been with anyone, even though he’s in his thirties.” 

Miles bit his lip in frustration. “Right. Although, would you say that he’s… a good guy? I mean, can he be trusted? Does he treat people alright around here?” 

Before the girl had a chance of answering his question, a bloke (also one of the bartenders) interfered:

“Is that Gary you’re talking about?”

“Yeah, it is.” Janet told him.

“Piece of advice, mate,” he said looking at Miles this time, “just stay away from that creep. We get people comin’ in every now and then to complain about him even though he hasn’t been here for long. Apparently he follows people home and stalks them as soon as they leave the house. Not just girls, but like, young boys as well. At one point we even had a school boy’s parents come in here to complain about him because he was trying to offer him and his friends drinks. They were only sixteen! Who in their right mind would hit on a minor like that?” 

Miles’s jaw dropped. “Bloody hell!” He exclaimed. “How is this creep still working here?!”

“He’s the boss’s nephew,” Janet said in a lowered voice as though she feared that people might hear her, “Gary’s awful to work with, but I don’t think it’s very likely that he gets fired. I’m surprised that he didn’t make a scene when your friend from the Arctic Monkeys was here. You know, the singer.”

Miles was still shocked, he barely knew what to say. “Huh?”

“Yeah,” she continued, “I honestly thought Gary would have jumped on him or something. Or at least bought him a drink on the house. He’s got posters of him on the walls in the office and everything. Alex Turner, that’s his name, right? Yeah, Gary loves him!”

Miles’s heart began to pound in his chest. Fucking hell. What had he and Matt been thinking, leaving Alex in the hands of a creepy stranger like that? But the dude hadn’t been acting creepy around them, had he? No, he had been perfectly nice. He had smiled at them and acted all normal. 

“Excuse me.” Miles muttered under his breath as he left the bar.

“Happy birthday!” The girl yelled as he went, completely unaware of what was happening. She had thought that this Miles Kane person would stay behind and perhaps take her home at the end of the night. 

“Helders!” Miles shouted from across the room as he was desperately trying to seek the drummer out in the huge crowd that was gathered on the dancefloor. “Matt, son of a bitch, where are you?”

“Hey, Kane, take it easy man,” a hand suddenly clasped Miles’s shoulder, and he spun around to see Zack and Jamie staring at him like he had gone insane, “you look like you could do with another drink.”

Zack laughed loudly, but Miles was now pulling his own hair in despair.

“Have you guys seen Helders?” He groaned, ignoring their jokes completely. Zack was still laughing and seemed completely out of it. “Jamie, I need to find Matt!” Miles pleaded the blond man. “Do you know where he is?”

Jamie furrowed his brow, finally sensing that something was wrong. “I-I think I saw him step outside for a bit. Yeah, I think he was about to make a phone call.”

Miles sprinted out of the club without further ado, in a desperate search for his mate.

“Matt!” He shouted as he spotted the drummer across the street with the phone pressed to his ear. “Matt, I need to talk to you!”

Miles ran to him, and Matt hung up the phone as he saw him approaching. 

“Miles? What’s wrong?”

“What you’re doing out here?” Miles panted as the two men were stood in front of each other. “Who were you talking to?”

Matt shook his head as he glanced down at his phone. “I was just trying to ring Alex, mate. I dunno, I couldn’t help but to feel a little guilty for leaving him like that. He’s not answering, though. I don’t know if I should feel worried or not…”

For some reason, Miles had not expected Alex to be answering his phone. Still, this information didn’t make him feel any easier. 

“Look, I think we should go see him,” Miles told him as he dug out his own phone to call a taxi, “I’m telling you, Matt, something’s not right.”

“What do you mean?” Matt grabbed a hold of Miles’s arm, but Miles waved him off in order to finish the call and make sure a taxi was on its way. When he hung up his phone again, Matt was still staring at him: “Miles, what’s going on?”

“I’m not sure,” Miles breathed, “but I have a feeling that we should never have let that guy take Alex home. Look, I got talking to some of the bartenders and their stories about him weren’t exactly nice.”

Matt’s eyes widened as his body tensed up. “What stories?!” He exclaimed. 

“Apparently he’s this creepy stalker who no one likes – oh yeah, and he’s obsessed with Alex! This girl told me that he’s got posters of him up on the walls!” Miles’s hands shook as he checked the time on his phone. “Come on, come on, god damn it.” 

How long did they have to wait around for a fucking taxi to show up?! 

“Fuck that shit,” Matt cursed as the seriousness of the situation dawned on him, “we’re not waiting around for that. I’ve got my car parked two streets away, let’s go!”

Matt was already running even when Miles objected: “What the fuck will you do if we get pulled over, Helders?” 

“Who the fuck cares, Alex could be in trouble,” Matt shouted, “I’m not that drunk, anyway. Trust me, I’m a good driver.”


	5. Chapter 5

Alex was barely conscious by the time the man had finished with him. He had left his body sore, broken, bleeding. 

Alex shook painfully as the man left his side and stood up from the bed. 

“Oh fuck, what have I done?” Alex heard him crying as he began to pace back and forth in the room. “Look at you, darling, I messed you up completely.” 

Alex was sporting bruises and flesh wounds all over; the maniac had tried to spare his face as best as he could, claiming that he didn’t want to spoil the boy’s handsome, young features. However, Alex still tasted blood in his mouth, and blood was still running from his forehead as he had received more than a few blows to his head. The worst pain, though, was still the one in between his legs. Even after the man had pulled out of him, he still felt as though he had been torn apart completely. Scratches and angry finger marks were visible all over his chest and torso – the man had been free to tear him apart with his bare hands and Alex hadn’t been able to defend himself in any way. 

“I’m sorry,” the man sobbed as he returned to the bed to take a look at the mess he’d created, “I’m so sorry, my love. I really wanted the best for you, I swear.”

He grabbed Alex’s motionless hand and pressed a kiss to it. “Thank you, darling. Thank you. You were so good to me. You were so sweet to let me in. You have been very kind. I’ll never forget it, I promise I won’t.”

The man dried his eyes. Alex himself hadn’t been able to shed a single tear since it all began.

His captor leaned in over him again and ran a hand through his hair. “You are so precious, boy. Do you know why I chose you, Alex? Hmm? Because you are special. And don’t you forget. There is no one like you. I will never be able to replace you, baby.” He then paused as though he had been stung by his own words. “And now I must lose you forever,” he wept as fresh tears spilled from his eyes.

He left the bed again to lean himself against the wall. Alex remained limp and lifeless, his fever building up once again, begging his own brain to switch off and to close his eyes on him.

He longed for release. For some sweet, impossible escape. 

“I’m sorry,” the man went on again as he returned to Alex’s side and – this time – scooped the skinny, hurting body back into his arms. “I’m sorry,” he repeated as he walked them both into the bathroom, slowly. “Forgive me, love. This is something we both need. It’s for the best, trust me. We both know that I can’t keep you. And I don’t want you to belong to anyone else, baby.”

Alex had no idea what was going on when his captor carried him inside the lit bathroom, only to lower him down into the empty bathtub. 

Was he going to force Alex to clean himself? To clean his shame – all the blood – away? 

He let Alex rest at the very bottom of the bathtub; with his back flat against the cold base and not against the backside that would have allowed him to remain seated in the tub, Alex was once again reduced to stare up at the ceiling helplessly.

“I’m so proud of you,” the man cried in the middle of his own madness, “it will all be over soon. Don’t be scared, baby, I’ll watch over you.”

With those words the water taps turned on, and Alex cried out as the freezing cold water assaulted his trembling body. As he realised what was happening, he panicked once again and uttered a series of pleading, desperate whimpers.

He was ignored like the first time. 

“I know, I know, baby,” the man caressed his cheek one last time, but did nothing in order to stop the water from pouring in, “it will all be over soon.”


	6. Chapter 6

Matt and Miles were only about twenty minutes too late. 

By the time Matt parked his car outside their friend’s house, Gary’s car was no longer there. He had left in broken, devastated silence after finishing what he came for. 

Miles jumped out of the vehicle before Matt had even turned off the engine. 

“Come on!” Miles rushed him as he stormed towards the front door. “Move it, Helders!”

They were both stunned to find that the door wasn’t even locked. Miles was quick to seize the handle and let them both inside. He knew Alex’s house as well as his own, and so, he immediately found the lights and switched them on.

Matt moved forward into the living room. “Alex!” He called as he neared the sofa area. “Alex, it’s us!”

Miles paused as he spotted an empty bottle of red wine on the sofa table. Had this bloke actually helped himself to drink Alex’s wine, or had Alex invited him to stay for a drink? Alex hadn’t exactly seemed like he was in a condition to do so. He had barely known where he was when they said goodnight to him outside the club. 

Miles then noted the red colouring on both the sofa and the carpet beneath. “Matt, look!”

Matt inched closer to see what Miles was referring to. “What the…” Matt felt his body tense up once again, his stomach churning painfully until he felt sick. “Tell me that’s not… It’s not… you know – blood, is it?”

Miles himself took a deep breath to reassure himself. “No, I mean – no, it’s probably red wine, isn’t it? I’m pretty sure.”

Nevertheless, Matt didn’t feel any better. He began to shout at the top of his lungs: “Alex! It’s Matt! Where are you, mate?”

“Maybe he helped Alex upstairs,” Miles suggested, though he too was beginning to feel like he had swallowed a cannonball, “I mean, he could have decided to help him up in his bed, couldn’t he?” 

Matt didn’t respond, but immediately ran towards the stairs. “ALEX!” He cried. “Fuck sake, Miles, what have we done? ALEX, where are you?! Can you hear me?”

Running up the stairs, Matt led the way with Miles right behind him – until they made it to the bedroom, that was. As soon as they reached that silent, empty bedroom, Matt’s legs turned into jelly and refused to carry him any further.

It was in the bedroom that he finally knew that something was wrong.

Someone had left the lights on. Someone had left Alex’s clothes discarded all over the floor. The bedsheets were all curled up without anyone sleeping in them. Where was he? Where was Alex? 

“Miles…” Matt gasped slightly as his voice failed him. 

The drummer couldn’t take his eyes off the empty bed. He thought there was something awfully odd about the colour of the dark sheets. They reminded him of the wine-soaked carpet downstairs. Only, it wasn’t wine this time.

“Miles.” He spoke again as he pressed himself slightly up against the wall.

Miles didn’t hear him.

“The lights are on in the bathroom,” Miles spoke, overlooking the fact that Matt had stayed behind.

“Miles don’t…” Matt’s voice turned heavier and raspier with each breath he took. His heart was racing in his chest, causing a prickling sensation to reach his fingertips. 

Miles was already walking towards the door that had been left ajar.

“Alex!” He called his friend’s name in anxious anticipation. “Alex, are you in there? Is everything okay?”

Miles’s forehead was beaming with sweat as his fingers reached to push the door open. He hesitated a moment longer as he was met with utter silence.

“A-Alex,” he stuttered as it felt like his heart had jumped to his throat, “I’m comin’ in!”

‘No,’ Matt thought to himself when his state of shock had left him speechless, ‘no, no, no, no. Oh God, no.’

Had Miles not taken a look at Alex’s bed? Had he not seen the blood smeared on the bedsheets? Matt’s legs simply gave way under him, and the trembling man slid down the wall until he was sitting on the floor, frozen in a state of terror and unable to move.

What had they done? What the fuck had they done?!

Miles pushed the bathroom door open and stepped inside. Matt closed his eyes, covered his ears with his hands and waited for the scream that would follow.

The bathroom was perfectly silent. Peaceful. Miles could not have known until he took another few steps inside, inching closer to the bathtub. Nothing appeared wrong or even unusual until he noticed that the tub was full to the brink. The water was clear, calm, free of soap, free of oxygen, yet stained with the subtlest shades of red. 

The tub wasn’t empty. Something was resting at its bottom.

Miles held his breath as he made out the shape of a small, lifeless body buried and trapped underneath the surface. 

His heart stopped beating in his chest, his stomach dropped. All noises faded, Miles wouldn’t have heard the fall of an atomic bomb even if it had landed right by his side.

It was the gentle, youthful face in the water that made his body freeze. The familiar brown, doe eyes, which had been left open, yet unfocused. The pair of eyes Miles knew better than anyone else. 

Alex.

“Alex?” He breathed, almost soundlessly. Then-

“ALEX! OH MY GOD!”

Hearing Miles’s screams, Matt thought the entire room was spinning before his eyes. With his hands still clasped over his ears, Matt felt himself shaking and trembling all over. It felt like he had been caught in some horrible, impossible nightmare. He didn’t think that any of this could possibly be real.

Raising himself to his knees, Matt saw Miles from the other side of the door: Miles threw himself forward to fish something out from that bathtub. Freezing cold water splashed everywhere and spilled all over the floor, nearly causing Miles’s feet to slip. He cried hysterically even as he dragged the sagging body into his arms and let himself fall to the floor.

“ALEX – OH GOD, NO! ALEX!” Miles howled as he pressed his friend’s unresponsive body close to his chest and cradled him like an infant. “What did he do to you?! What did he DO to you?! MATT, GET IN HERE!!”

Miles continued to scream and cry uncontrollably, his sobs beginning to make him sound like a wild animal. Matt’s quivering hands left his ears, but he was still too shaken, too dizzy to know how to respond. He could see Miles clutching, no crushing, a pale, bleeding, lean body, like a small child clinging on to his favourite teddy bear for dear life. 

Miles buried his face in the crook of Alex’s neck, grasped his wet hair with his hand and screamed over and over again.

“What have I done? What have I done? Oh God, Alex, Alex, Al…” Miles’s weeping choked and killed the rest of his words, leaving him to babble incoherently. He was now rocking Alex’s body back and forth, never letting him go.

Matt began to cross the floor by crawling; he felt utterly, utterly sick. Like his body threatened to fail him at any point. Miles had to be wrong. It had to be some sort of sick, twisted joke that he and Alex had planned behind his back. Perhaps there were cameras installed somewhere. Alex couldn’t be dead, drowned in his own bathtub. This could not be real. Matt simply refused to believe it.

He had to see Alex. Had to look him over with his own eyes. Otherwise, he would never ever believe this nightmare to be true.

“He killed him!” Miles bawled and shouted from the top of his lungs. “HE KILLED HIM! Oh my God, ALEX!”

Matt neared the scene until he was only a few feet from where Miles was sitting on the floor with Alex’s naked body in his arms. Miles kept Alex’s face pressed into his chest, turning him away from Matt. He didn’t want Matt to look at him. He didn’t want anyone in the world to look at Alex’s face and see that he wasn’t breathing. That his eyes were empty – dead. 

Matt was fighting his panicking body hard when he looked at Miles and ordered him to put Alex’s body down.

“Put him down, Miles,” he said, his voice thick with anguish, “put him down. I have to see.”

Miles shook his head and tightened his arms around Alex’s body even further. His tears were spilling all over the pale, cold body he was holding. 

“Please,” Matt’s voice shuddered as hot tears began to sting and blur his vision, “Miles, I have to s-see him.”

Miles sobbed loudly as his arms began to loosen up; it felt wrong to put him down on the floor. It felt wrong to let go of Alex. He needed to hold him close, needed to keep him warm. His arms shook violently as he struggled to lower Alex’s body to the floor – the last thing he wanted was to drop him.

Alex was placed carefully on his back, in between Matt and Miles’s kneeling figures, hovering over him.

“Oh my God,” Matt gasped and choked on a desperate cry as he laid eyes on Alex’s pale, bruised face, “oh my God, no. No, no, no, Alex…”

He took in the cut lip, the discoloured skin revealing a black eye and a black-and-blue jawline. His entire body was covered in scratches and fingermarks, some of the wounds still bleeding. His chest revealed even more bruises, and a small swelling at the top of his abdomen was even suggesting internal bleeding. 

Matt heaved painfully as he suddenly found himself unable to breathe. 

“No…” He cried breathlessly, his voice deep and darkened in despair. He placed his trembling hand on Alex’s cheek. His body was ice cold. “No, no, no,” he begged, “Alex… Oh God, what did he do to you?” 

He was soon cut off by Miles’s roar:

“NO! HE CAN’T BE DEAD!” Miles threw himself forward, pressing both hands down to Alex’s still chest. “ALEX!” He screamed. “Come back! COME BACK, DO YOU HEAR ME!” 

Matt flinched and withdrew from the body. “No, Miles…” He pleaded silently as the tears kept streaming down his face, distorting the lights and his vision. They had been too late. Alex had died before they even got in the car and drove here. They had lost him before they had even realised their mistake. 

“He can’t be dead!” Miles continued to scream as he pressed down on Alex’s chest in frantic rhythms. He paused to move his hands to Alex’s mouth, separating his lips gently in order to close their mouths together. As Miles breathed into his mouth and filled the body with oxygen, he began to punch down on his chest once again. “Breathe, damn it!” Miles howled in pain. “Come back to me, Alex!”

Matt closed his eyes on Miles’s act of madness. “Stop it, Miles,” he begged him again as he couldn’t stand to see the hands assaulting Alex’s dead body, “stop it, please. He’s gone.” Matt choked again and began to pull his own hair in pure agony. “Leave him alone, Miles, he’s gone. It’s too l-late…”

“NO!” Miles’s hands meant to continue pumping down on the cold, pale chest, but his arms began to wobble and fail him. “Matt, you BASTARD! Call an ambulance!” 

Matt backed away and staggered to his feet as his body was still disobeying him. His brain was too distressed to let him think clearly. He searched in desperation for a phone for about a minute before remembering the one he carried in his pocket. As he pulled it out and dialed 999, his voice was almost too shaky to speak coherently. 

He watched as Miles gave up on trying to revive Alex; letting go of his chest, Miles crumbled and let himself fall down onto their friend’s body. As he held Alex in his arms and cried at his unmoving chest, Miles wailed:

“Come back to me, Alex. Don’t you dare leave me like this, don’t you dare… I love you.”


	7. Chapter 7

They were all to learn that Gary J. Henderson hadn’t just loved Alex; he had had an absolute obsession with him. The police found pictures of him all over his flat when they had come to arrest him. Gary didn’t even resist his arrest. Rather than denying what he’d done, he claimed to be proud of it. 

“I loved Alex!” He shouted like a madman when he was thrown to the ground and handcuffed brutally. “I loved Alex and I set him free!”

There was evidence that Gary had been taking pictures outside of Alex’s house in the weeks prior to his murder. There were even pictures of Alex walking down the street, unaware that he’d been followed and watched carefully. There were pictures of Alex up on the walls that Gary had cut out from magazines and newspapers. In one of the pictures – one of Alex and Miles hugging each other after a gig – Gary had even cut out Miles’s face and replaced it with a picture of himself. 

There were CD’s and DVD’s splayed out on Gary’s dining table. He claimed to have listened to Alex’s voice every single day, from the moment he woke up in the morning and until his night shifts at the club started. He was even known to play Arctic Monkeys loudly in the bar, sometimes interfering with the music they had hired a DJ for. There were T-shirts and merchandise with Alex’s face on. Mugs and pencil cases. Books and calendars. Notebooks containing Gary’s written fantasies about meeting the young singer. 

And now his fandom had been seized altogether as evidence by the police. 

For years to come, Miles never stopped wondering how these pictures of Alex’s young, smiling face could have driven a grown man into believing that he loved him so much that he had to kill him. He hadn’t even known Alex. What on earth had Alex done to deserve this? How could love and admiration inspire someone to commit such a horrible, evil crime?

Well, Gary might have believed it to be love, but it wasn’t really. 

Miles looked at all the old pictures and as the tears reappeared in his eyes, he felt no urge to possess and force Alex like Gary had. Instead, his love for Alex only made him long for his embrace again, made him long to hear his laughter. 

It was gone forever and would never return to him. Gary had killed what was most precious to him in this world. He had simply taken it away out of greediness and jealousy. And Miles would never get Alex back.

*-*-*

The night they’d found his body in the bathtub, Matt and Miles had stayed all night at the hospital and all the following day at the police station. Miles had needed a sedative when the paramedics took Alex’s body away and had covered him up in a bag without even attempting to resuscitate him first. Alex was declared dead on arrival, although they estimated that he had been dead for at least an hour when they made it to the hospital. Miles had continued to scream and shout, demanding that they brought him back, demanding that they didn’t take Alex’s body away from him. Matt had merely cried in silence, which was why it was Miles they chose to give the drugs to. 

Matt, however, had gagged and felt sick by the time they were told what was going to happen to Alex’s body. Learning that they were going to perform an autopsy on Alex, Miles had started to scream again despite the sedative he’d had. He’d cried and begged them not to ‘cut their friend open’. They were then informed of what Gary had put Alex through.

At the mention of the word ‘rape’, Matt gagged loudly and had to run to the nearest restroom. Emptying his stomach into the toilet, he had cried his eyes out all over again. It was starting to become a never-ending circle. 

How the fuck had they allowed Alex to get raped, beaten up and murdered in his own home? How the fuck had it all come so far?

It didn’t get any easier when Alex’s parents arrived at the hospital. Matt had felt too embarrassed to look them in the eyes, even when David and Penny threw their arms around him and held him close. Miles too, of course. The couple had been told that Matt and Miles had found Alex and tried to save his life, but Matt felt like this wasn’t true. They were the ones who had left him alone in the arms of madman Gary Henderson in the first place. Had it not been for them and their irresponsibility, Alex would still be alive. 

“You were always there for him,” Penny wept into Matt’s shoulder, tormenting his guilty conscious even further, “ever since you went to school together, you were always by his side.”

But Matt hadn’t exactly been there for him when he was raped and drowned in a bathtub, had he? 

It took them such a long time to finally understand how the hell this could have happened. Why the fuck had Alex felt so sick that night when the rest of the group had felt just fine? How had this stranger gained free access to his home when Alex had never even talked to him before? It was almost as though Alex hadn’t been in control at all.

It was then confirmed that they had found evidence of a drug in Alex’s blood from the night he’d died. Gary had sneaked the drug in Alex’s drink when no one was looking. The doctors knew of several cases in which the same drug had been used to paralyse victims and restrain them completely, yet at the same time, the drug allowed them to stay conscious and forced them to experience and endure the rape itself. There was a series of gruesome stories about this drug. Matt and Miles had barely been familiar with the term ‘drug rape’, and now the doctors were telling them that Gary had drugged Alex right under their noses. 

No wonder Alex had acted so strange. He himself hadn’t even known what was happening to him; it all happened so suddenly, so fast. Matt hadn’t even been aware of the signs and warnings. Rather, they had all laughed at him for being a lightweight. They had all assumed him to be drunk. 

Miles continued to suffer one breakdown after another. Not only at the hospital, but in the police station as well. It had all been too much for him to learn. He couldn’t get the images of Alex’s bleeding, freezing cold body out of his head. He couldn’t stop imagining the terror, the pain his friend had been put through. The image of Alex being drugged and left paralysed was bad enough. But then the man had actually continued to rape and beat him up, and to drown him in the water when he had finished with him, knowing that Alex was utterly defenseless.

Miles imagined the amounts of water that Alex must have swallowed before he died. Knowing that the lad had been completely unable to move and to escape his watery grave, Alex’s killer could hardly have chosen a more brutal way of ending his life. Alex’s death had been slow and full of anguish, fear. Alex had known and felt everything that had happened to him without being able to defend himself in any way. The monster who had done this to him hadn’t even had the mercy to let him lose consciousness before subjecting him to all this torture.

“They say that drowning is one of the most painful ways to die,” Miles whispered to Matt in the waiting room as they were being questioned by the police for the fourth time, “it’s not just over like that, is it? Drowning takes time, you don’t die immediately. And then at your breaking point, when you can’t ignore the urge to inhale any longer and your lungs begin to fill with water, it feels like concrete entering your lungs instead of water. That’s what they say. It makes you think that your lungs are about to explode or something.”

Miles paused as Matt looked at him in anger, ordering him to stop talking about it immediately. 

“It should have been me, though,” Miles added despite the tension between them, “not Alex. He didn’t deserve to die like that.” Miles’s voice failed him and an ache in his chest forced him to heave in between his next words. “He died all alone, Matt. It should have been me instead. I wish it was.”

“You wouldn’t have deserved it either,” Matt muttered, silently hating Miles for letting him get worked up again. He had no more tears left in him. He couldn’t keep crying like this. It was going to kill him eventually, Matt felt sure of it. “No one deserves to – to d-die like that…” He had to stop himself when it felt impossible to go on. This was Alex they were talking about, for fuck sake! This wasn’t something they’d watched in a film, this had actually happened to their own best friend! And now they had to live with it for the rest of their lives.

Alex had suffered and died because of their mistake. They had failed him. Perhaps Miles was right. Perhaps it should have been one of them instead.

*-*-*

Matt learned that Nick and Jamie had been trying to get in touch with him that very same night when they heard what had happened, but that the police in the hospital had told them to wait outside. It was only the following day, after Matt and Miles had finished their statement with the police that they were allowed to meet up. As they came to pick Matt and Miles up in Jamie’s car after the interrogations, Matt was both relieved and devastated to see them.

They had been told very little, however. The newspapers had already been covering the story all over. The news were out that Alex Turner had been found dead in his home while he was all alone. The press had been hinting that it was a suicide, or possibly an overdose. The police hadn’t released any statement yet, despite the rumours spreading fast. 

Matt broke down in tears again as he reunited with his bandmates. They all found themselves hugging and embracing each other tightly and in silence. It was very much Nick and Jamie staying strong for him and Miles to begin with, as they knew what they had had to go through that night. However, after they had let them cry for a while and guided them all back to the car, Matt was reminded of the distress they were in, too. He suddenly noticed that Jamie’s eyes were all red and swollen with grief. Both he and Nick were pale and looked like they’d barely slept since they’d all been together last time, under very different circumstances. 

“The press have been trying to sell some… quite grotesque stories about Al…” Nick had to pause himself. It hurt to simply pronounce Alex’s name at this stage. 

“They have been absolute gobshites!” Jamie yelled in blind fury. “Those bloody wankers keep making up one fucking lie after another! They don’t know shit! Hell, I don’t know shit! But I know that Al would never fookin’ kill ‘imself!” 

They were all quiet for a moment. Matt couldn’t believe that his friends didn’t know about Alex. That they had no clue why he was dead. He didn’t have it in his heart to tell them the truth, although he had to. But how the fuck would he manage to let the words out?

Even Miles was too shaken to speak. They were all absolutely exhausted and heart-broken. The last thing they wanted was to go over the details once again. 

“Alex is dead because someone murdered him,” Matt finally spoke in excruciating pain, only causing strong reactions from Nick and Jamie, “he was acting weird last night because someone drugged him. And that someone followed him home and killed him, too.”

It took them all several minutes before they could even continue the conversation. Jamie was crying heavily whilst punching the cockpit of the car frantically. He swore and cursed, while Nick remained too shocked to utter a single sound. 

Slowly, Matt began to tell them the rest of the story. He took several pauses, allowing both him and Miles to relive the horror as Jamie and Nick were only just beginning to grasp it. Towards the end, they were all so shaken and distraught that none of them knew what to do with themselves or where to go from there. 

Jamie sobbed dejectedly when he broke the painful silence:

“So Alex was murdered by some lunatic, and the media are out there trying to corrupt his name?”

Matt realised what they had to do next. The only thing they could do.

“If that’s what they’re trying to do, we have to go out there and tell everyone the truth.” He said. “We owe Alex that.”

“What are you suggesting?” Miles asked him.

“How about a press conference?”

*-*-*

It was only by the time of Alex’s funeral that the press seemed to have changed their view on the event. He was now being portrayed as the hero performer and songwriter, the young artist who died too soon and had become the victim of a horrible, unspeakable crime. Alex was then honoured as the tributes kept pouring in; fellow musicians released statements and condolences out of respect for him, and fans kept gathering in order to cherish his memory. Everyone now seemed to agree that Alex had been heading somewhere big; that he had had so much left to offer the world. He was a lost talent, but would remain a star.

Matt personally didn’t give a shit about stardom. Stardom didn’t keep you alive, didn’t bring the actual person back. It was a shit compensation considering Alex’s sacrifice. People were posers who paid them all fake acknowledgements and burdened them with empty words and meaningless clichés. God, how he hated people sometimes. Always ready to judge and gossip, always late to realise what the true story was. 

There were mourning, weeping fans gathered outside the church on the day of Alex’s funeral. They all looked solemn and sorrowful like they, too, had lost someone in their life. Though Matt wanted to feel something for these people, he couldn’t bring himself to pity them. After all, they hadn’t been the ones to find Alex’s body. To look into his dead eyes without him looking back in return. They were not the ones who kept waking up in the middle of the night, soaked in sweat after reliving that awful moment when you realised that he wasn’t breathing and that it was your fault…

He and Miles would both have preferred to avoid Alex’s parents at the funeral. Alex had been their only child, and now they both looked so different – so abandoned and empty-handed. Broken. Matt still couldn’t stand the thought of looking any of them in the eye. Penny insisted on hugging them all tightly at the arrival at the church, him and Jamie in particular. They had both been to Alex’s house numerous times as kids, had known Penny and David when they were younger and happy – when they were still parents. Now the couple looked impossibly old – like they were no longer the same people. 

Matt was able to hold himself together until the ceremony started. When it was time to say goodbye to the small, gentle, shy, yet funny boy he’d grown up with and had come to consider his own brother, he thought the agony and heartache would tear him up inside. He choked and whimpered as “Only You Know” started playing towards the end, Alex’s favourite song, and Jamie practically had to hold on to his shoulder as he would have doubled over otherwise.

Miles was faring no better; he had started taking all kinds of medicines since he hadn’t been able to sleep at night after – after Alex. He was constantly nervous and on the brink of a new panic attack. He still found his body trembling and his chest soaring and numbing as though he had developed heart arrhythmias, and like Matt, he was still struggling with the overwhelming sense of guilt that just wouldn’t go away.

That day, at the funeral, Miles still swore that he would have swapped places with Alex. He would have died instead of him. It would have been better that way. Alex would have found a way of moving on, a way of living his life without Miles. But Miles had no idea whatsoever how to continue his life without Alex. 

The strong emotions and grief that they all carried deep inside them culminated in a clash between the press and Jamie at the end of the funeral. Outside the church, when the media were all busy taking pictures of crying, mournful people, one idiot from the Daily Mail had the audacity to ask Miles if he intended on replacing Alex as the new lead singer in Arctic Monkeys. 

Jamie heard the question, and before Miles could deny the rumours, the blond guitarist had started cursing them all: 

“We are not FUCKING replacing Alex with anyone, do you hear me?! Get out of here, you bloody wankers! Alex was one of a kind, and there will never be anyone like him again!”

Miles bowed his head in silence and in woeful agreement.

Alex had left a void in them all. Not only as a bandmate, or friend, but as a unique, special being who had inspired and moved them all in so many ways. Miles had never doubted that Alex had been his other half, his better half. Alex had been the only one who found his lame sense of humour not just funny, but hilarious. He had been the one to listen to him, to understand him, to back him up and to take him seriously, too, when other people thought Miles was nothing but a joke. Alex had fucking known him like no one else. Alex had been like a soul mate, the lost brother he had never had from birth. Alex had been such a big part of his world, his life, his everything.

Miles could not believe that this was it. But he did know that Jamie was right; there would never be another.


	8. Chapter 8

March 17, 2016. It had been exactly seven years since Alex’s death. 

Miles hadn’t expected to hear from any of them; it had been ages since they all saw each other last. It felt like it had been ages since they all stopped going out, too. Stopped playing altogether. Miles had been the first to pull the plug on his musical career. It had happened about four years ago, around the time when he met his girlfriend and decided to settle down and retire from everything that had to do with showbiz. 

It all seemed like ages ago, yet now, as Miles hit the big 30, a message came in from Helders. 

‘Happy b-day, mate. Fancy a drink down at the local? I’m buying.’

Miles couldn’t suppress a grin. He couldn’t remember the last time they’d met up, at least not the two of them on their own.

It didn’t take Miles long to decide his reply. 

‘You’re gonna regret that, Helders. On my way.’

Miles had been down at the Cautious Horse a few times before, but had never managed to show up when the pub owner – Helders himself – was actually in. It was a great place, though. Matt was a great visionary when it came to things like this. The place was as popular as it was attractive. 

On his way through the city of Sheffield, Miles took in all the buildings, shops, bridges that Alex had forever been talking about. Alex had truly loved this city. When Miles first decided to move here, there was no doubt in his mind that he had done it in order to feel closer to Alex. He could still feel him right here, in the spirit of this place. To him, Sheffield would always be Alex. Miles took a phone call from his girlfriend. They were seeing each other later. She had offered to get them a table somewhere nice, but Miles had preferred to stay at home, just the two of them. He didn’t fancy any visitors today. Maybe he would pay his Mum a visit tomorrow or the day after, though. But not today.

He hadn’t been able to celebrate his birthday for the past seven years. Every time he’d tried, he’d ended up feeling guilty and more miserable than amused. For the past seven years, March 17 had stopped being Miles’s birthday and started being the day that he lost Alex instead. 

Alex. 

Miles sometimes caught himself dreaming and imagining what Alex would have said if he could see him now. What he would have looked like if he had still been here. Miles felt certain that Alex would have been his happy, cheeky self. Perhaps he would have finally bulked up a bit, put on a few pounds. Maybe even a beard. The possibilities became Miles’s comfort as often as they became his greatest tormentor of all. 

He felt fairly certain that Alex would have kept writing if he could. The lad had always complained about how guilty he’d felt whenever he took a break from writing new material, and Miles had always laughed and told him to fuck right off. 

So how would Alex have felt about Miles ending his career? About all of them ending their careers? Miles wasn’t sure. Whilst Alex would have probably supported the idea of them all continuing without him, a lot of things really had died and disappeared along with Alex. Determination and ambition, in particular. Inspiration. Willpower. A great talent for writing.

Smiles had disappeared, too. People didn’t want to listen to a band who had just been numbered down due to some tragic event. People didn’t want to be reminded of what had happened to Alex. It felt too real, too brutal. And no music in the world seemed capable of covering up that loss that was still painted in the faces of Miles, Matt, Jamie and Nick.

It was just after three in the afternoon when Miles arrived at the pub, pausing slightly before heading inside. The Cautious Horse seemed quiet all right for now, though it was often crowded and dead-busy in the evenings. Matt and Breana were certainly better at doing business than Miles was; he would never have had this idea in a million years.

Entering the door slowly, Miles went straight for the bar. A young woman was about to take his order when Matt came out from the kitchen and steered towards Miles with his arms wide open.

“Kane, you son of a gun!” He laughed as he and Miles embraced each other over the counter. “Mate, how are you? It’s alright, Danielle, I’ve got this one.”

The female bartender left the two men alone and Matt began to pour the first pints.

“I’m alright, yeah. You’re looking pretty good yourself, Helders.” Miles grinned. “Fosters, eh? Are you trying to buy me off with the cheap stuff, mate?”

Matt cackled loudly; Miles had always had the ability to make people slap their thighs with laughter. (Alex in particular). “I know that’s how you like it!” Matt hit him back, and for a moment, things felt almost normal between them. 

They found a table in the back where they could talk quietly without any disturbances. Matt was showing Miles pictures of his daughter on the phone and Miles felt happy for him. He felt himself smiling genuinely as the two of them were catching up on this and that. Matt and Breana had finally set a date for their wedding, it seemed. Miles received an invitation as soon as Matt had mentioned it, and Miles slapped his shoulder jokingly: “Finally, mate. Your wedding has been coming on for ages!”

They had been talking for some time when Miles cleared his throat and told Matt that he had something to announce. 

“Hannah and I are having a baby,” he said. He could barely suppress the smile on his face as the words left his mouth. “I haven’t told this to anyone yet, mate. Not even me Mum.”

Matt’s jaw had dropped slightly, but as soon as he recovered from his own surprise, he lurched forward to throw an arm around Miles’s shoulder.

“Congratulations!” Matt gasped slightly – he had never been happier for the Liverpudlian. “I almost can’t believe it. Miles-Fucking-Kane is going to be a father!”

Miles was grinning, although he could barely believe it himself. It wasn’t that the pregnancy hadn’t been planned or wanted – a few years ago, he had simply not been able to picture himself entering parenthood like this. 

“Hannah is about two months pregnant,” he said, “my Mum is gonna kill me when she realizes that I waited this long to tell her!”

Matt snorted with a laugh. “Who cares, mate? She’s gonna be so thrilled for your both, I know it! I’m guessing it’s too early to know the sex of the baby, huh?” 

“Yeah.” Miles swallowed as he paused significantly. Matt sensed his hesitation. “Although… Hannah and I have already decided on a name.”

Matt frowned slightly. “But I thought you didn’t know the gender?”

“We don’t,” Miles shrugged. “However… We’ve decided on Alexander. If it’s a boy, that is. Alexandra if it’s a girl.”

Matt leaned back in his chair. Suddenly both men fell silent and reflective. 

Of course they had had to bring it up eventually. The elephant in the room. Alex. It was the only thing that had been playing on their minds and yet, they had both hoped to avoid it somehow. 

“Alex.” Matt chuckled quietly, the smile on his lips turning serious. “Miles – mate… I think that’s a wonderful tribute to him. Truly.”

Miles took a sip of his beer as he felt his mouth go dry. “I just… I dunno, it truly felt like me and Alex were bound together, like almost by blood or something. And this way, it’s almost as though I get to keep a piece of him in my family. Do you know what I mean?”

“Yeah, actually, I do.” Matt hesitated slightly before pulling up the sleeve of his shirt. “I hope this doesn’t seem tacky compared to – you know – your way of honouring him. But I had this made about a year ago.”

Matt pulled up his sleeve, first revealing his MUM tattoo written into a heart. Then revealing a new one: ALEX. 

Miles held his breath when he saw it. Every time he heard his friend’s name being spoken, or every time he read it in word form, it was a though a sensation went through his heart and paused everything and everyone else around him. This sensation took him seven years back. Not just to the tears and the pain, but all the rest, too. He still remembered what it had felt like to wrap his arms around Alex’s body, both dead and alive. He still remembered how it was to look into the deep, brown eyes of his and feel himself get lost in there.

“That’s not tacky,” Miles finally spoke before clearing his throat again, “I mean, that’s… That’s perfect, Matt. I love it.” 

The two of them found themselves looking away for a moment, sipping their beers rather intensely. Miles didn’t exactly regret bringing the topic of Alex up. It had to be done. But now it felt so bloody hard to continue.

“Do you ever…” Matt stopped himself and ran a hand through his spikey hair. “Do you ever wonder where we would all be if Alex was still here? I mean… I sometimes think that we would all still be playing together. Arctic Monkeys and, well, perhaps The Last Shadow Puppets, too.”

Miles chuckled. “I know what you mean. Even back then, me and Alex always said that we wanted to do another album together. I think that – I think that it would have been brilliant.” 

“I know it would have been.” Matt offered him a small smile. “I do really miss it all. Not just him, although – obviously him. But everything else, too. Jamie and Nick barely stop by anymore. I know they’re busy with their kids just like I am, but still. Had the band still been here, I think we would have been different. We would have been in each other’s lives more.”

Matt finished his beer after that confession. Miles was beginning to feel the ache in his chest again. Mainly because he knew that Matt was right. Nothing was the same anymore. They had all more or less grown apart, gone their separate ways even as they all resided in the same city. Their youthful, happy days were long gone, and now they were living as mere shadows of the lads they once were.

There had been so much potential. All that chemistry between them. And now it was just gone.

“One of me mates dragged me along to a club a few months ago.” Miles then spoke, figuring that it was his turn to make a confession. “And we had a nice time. It wasn’t until your old song started playing that I felt myself tensing up completely. I had to get out of there immediately.”

“Which song?” Matt asked him.

“Oh, you know,” Miles laughed brokenly, “Fluorescent Adolescent. I forgot how young Alex was when you recorded it. And yet, that song could have been written about any of us today. How the fuck did he know?”

They both laughed at that. Although, what Miles had actually meant to say was:

“After all these years, I still can’t listen to his songs. Not even the ones we recorded together. I can’t stand hearing his voice. It hurts too much.”

What Miles’s confession truly made Matt realise, although he didn’t tell this to Miles, was that he remembered a talk he’d had with Alex back in the day. Probably in 2005, before it all went crazy.

Alex had looked at Matt and asked him:

“Maffew, do you think that all of this is going to change us in any way?”

Matt had only been a stupid kid at the time. He hadn’t thought it all through like Alex had. 

“What do you mean?” Had been his simple response. 

“Well, you know. I keep getting asked by journalists if I’m ready for what lies ahead. They all keep tellin’ me that fame changes your life forever. Do you think that’s true?”

Matt had looked Alex in the eyes and detected a sense of reservation. Perhaps a shyness, too. Alex had never wanted to be the front man or the singer to begin with. Even now, the lad would have still preferred it if it was someone else’s face in the front, someone else leading Arctic Monkeys forward. Alex wrote their lyrics and offered the band new and interesting characteristics due to his way of singing and delivering words. However, he hated the interviews, he hated getting asked all these questions that he didn’t know the answer to, and he dreaded the idea of people watching him and him alone. Though there were four of them, and Alex didn’t work his magic single-handedly, any fool could see that people’s eyes and ears were all turned on Alex.

“No, I don’t think that’s true, mate,” Matt had told him even though he had no clue at the time being, “those wankers don’t know what they’re talking about, do they? Who are they to tell you what your life is going to be like?”

Alex had nodded at Matt’s response. After thinking about it for a moment, the skinny brunette with the big, doe eyes had laughed and said:

“Don’t believe the hype, yeah?”

Matt had returned his laugh a little too easily and clasped his shoulder in confirmation. 

“You said it, Al. Don’t believe the hype!”


End file.
